Practicing some descrpitive writing... or am I >_>

It writhed like a parasite inside his stomach; burned like an unquenchable fire that had been set on the inside of his body threatening to consume his entire being. Nothing would put this unrest within him to ease save one thing - yet that one thing was not an option.

So he had to live life just like normal. He tried to lose himself in video games, in books, in random surfing around of the Internet but nothing would satisfy the black hole that emotion had collapsed into deep in his core. Morning and night, with and without people, here or there, it would not leave him alone - prodding him to take the action that was not an option.

Well, by virtue of being an action, it might have been an option. Thus lay the core of the problem - the chance existed of making a complete fool of himself once again. Twice he had made the mistake before, he was bound and determined not to make it thrice. How does that saying go? Something about only fools falling for the same trick three times? Or was it two.

Either way, he was a fool. Theoretically, this was him falling for the same trick three times already and how he knew it. Oh if only you knew how he knew it.

I'm finally done

So I started writing a blog. THen I went to check my mail in the middle... and logged out of this account. Then I lost the blog. but I am persistant and so here it is again.

As I walked out of the examination room at 9:30 PM, I could scarcely believe that I was done. But when reality struck, it was like I had tapped into some source of joy and energy that I didn't know existed. It first manifested itself as a gigantic grin on my face. Then when I got outside the building, I was unable to contain my excitement any longer and simply started screaming "I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

For some reason, as I was thinking about this, Jeremiah 20:9 came to mind. It says:

But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.

It made me realize, I was so excited that I just couldn't contain it. I had to scream it to the heavens I was so joyful.

Yet I wondered, why have I lost my first love of the Word of God that I do not feel such about it? It is not a fire in my bones that wants to burst forth that I must share it with everyone that I see and meet. A random conviction I'll admit, but a solid one.

On another note: I'm planning on taking at least an hour to an hour and a half (it occurred to me... maybe 2.4 hours..... a 10% tithe of my time?) to pray for people on projects and for other things. If you have any requests, email them to me.

Current status: Sobered

In 37 hours I will be finished my third year of university.

I will not have done as well as I have in my first two. This unfortunately means that I will end up sitting in front of the computer, eyes twitching, and getting all mad and punching walls for a bit.

Then I will settle down... knowing full well the bad grades were nobody's fault but my own. Instead I will turn to kicking myself in the pants for getting sucked into peekvid and the Simpsons.

How do I know this? Because it is something that I went through last summer (Wynja knows about the eye twitch :P). But as I think on this, what I did NOT do last summer was to, in the end, give it up to the LORD and trust that he will provide. I'm trying to read 5 Psalms a day (yesterday, that was not easy... because it got around time to reading Psalm 119. Yes you should nod your head in understanding. If you don't understand, go to biblegateway.com and look up Pslam 119.... then tell me why I skipped it for now.) and the other day I read in Psalm 115:11 - "You who fear him, trust in the LORD. He is their help and shield." And then it continues.

The LORD remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless the House of Israel,
He will bless the House of Aaron,
He will bless those who fear the LORD-
small and great alike.
May the LORD make you increase,
both you and your children.
May you be blessed by the LORD,
the maker of heaven and earth.

Imagine that. The maker of heaven and earth blessing you. I can't even begin to fathom that - instead I get so hung up on the things that are right before me that seem so good. The pride and prestige of being accepted to a good law school. The pride of being able to say that I got straight As yet again. The desire to find a girlfriend.

But look closely at all those things... they are tainted (and not even on the surface... but down to the deep core of the matter) with selfish desire and motivation. Though I'm sure it's there, the main motivation for these desires is not to "Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness" (Matthew 6:33) but to chase after "all these other things" which are supposed to be added on AFTER seeking first His Kingdom and His righteousness.

In the Great Commission, the NIV translation fails to capture a key aspect in saying "Go and make disciples of all nations..." (Matthew 28:19). The original greek word for the Go is not actually "go" but "as you are going." As you are going, make disciples of all nations. As you are walking along the road to school, make disciples of all nations. As you are going to law school, make disciples of all nations. As you are becoming a lawyer, make disciples of all nations. As you are struggling through your academics, make disciples of all nations. As you are receiving rejection letters from law school, make disciples of all nations.

And yet... that final thought shakes me to my inner core for one reason or another. In my undergrad, I was accepted to every university I applied for, many offering me grand scholarships. Now I'm no longer so sure of what will happen as I move on to the next stage of my life. I have never been more sure of what I want to do, and yet no longer am I sure that I can do it.

But the key point to that last thought was not the first half of the sentences.... but the second half. I am to be making disciples of all nations, always, no matter what is going on around me. I have been disobedient these past two years and it's time for this to stop. It's time to step back up to the plate and start Great Commissioning and making a REAL impact in this world.

Lord, I'm so worried, concerned, anxious about tomorrow, next year, two years from now... when there's so much that needs worrying about today, here, now. Focus my mind on seeking YOUR kingdom and YOUR righteouness, and trusting in you and having faith in you that you will keep your promise in Matthew 6:33 that you will provide all these other things as well.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen.

Insecurity and friendship

I realized today that I often expect my friends to do things exactly the same way that I would expect to be treated. Maybe that's not so unreasonable, one might say... but I've come to the conclusion that in fact it is - unreasonable that is.

A friend of mine made an interesting point on her blog about how our love languages are also the way that we define who our friends (or I guess our good friends) are. I bring up this point only to illustrate the fact that everyone is different, defines friendships differently, thinks differently, processes things differently, and ultimately acts out all those hidden things in different ways.

When those around me don't act the way that I think they should, then suddenly I start to get all these negative thoughts. "What's wrong with that person? Can't they see I'm dropping hints like Atom bombs here? Maybe they think something's wrong with me?" Interestingly my pastor just concluded a sermon series on this EXACT topic a few weeks ago...

Regardless, as I've been thinking about this for the past two hours, I've decided that it's not worth it for me to get all riled up, hold in some sort of odd anger that shouldn't exist and then just getting bitter. That would ruin a perfectly good friendship for no good reason at all.

This thought process is indicative of one thing. Apparently I've started to grow up a bit. I have a terrible habit of holding grudges and for a very long time (if my dislike of the Green Bay Packers is any indication). I'm kind of glad that the grace of God is finally showing through in areas like this and I am able to forgive and move on.

Another realization that I've made is that my writing style has deteriorated dramatically. Maybe it's just a today thing but this blog post seems terribly poorly crafted and disorganized... usually my disorganized posts at least have some kind of flow or substantive oomph behind it... but this time it's just terrible. So before I shoot myself in the foot anymore with bad writing, I'm just going to post and go.

See y'all on the other side.

Fried brains

That's what my brain felt like last night. After 12 hours, I only managed to finish reading two and a half articles and that took longer than I expected, which put me behind on my study schedule by about two articles. Before I got into that, I figure I wanted to post something up here before my brain gets too fried.

I've been having second thoughts, then third thoughts, then fourth thoughts about recent events (not related to my last post about a good day. I still love school and though yesterday did feel like work, I felt incredibly satisfied that I had finished so much or applied myself for so long.) I wonder about emotions, I wonder about logic, I wonder about how those two are even supposed to mix together. Are the mutually exlusive terms? Does one cancel out the other? Can an emotional decision be made logically or must logic be defied when a decision is made based on emotions?

More specifically, (but not too specifically), why do I want to be in a relationship? Is it because I want to be able to say I have a girlfriend? (I can more confidently, though not with completely certainity answer no this question as I think about it) Do I really want to cherish, care for, laugh with, cry with, share with, and be with someone? As my pastor put it, am I getting tired of taking things for myself, and do I now want to give to others? Or is it just me wanting to do those things to get warm fuzzies inside? Then what makes one particular girl more special than any other? Does she just match up with what I see as an amazing girl? (I'm wondering where this line of questioning leads...this is ridiculous... I don't feel like this about other people) So then where does THAT come from?

Or maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing. Either way, it's a conundrum that I've been unable to sort out and have kind of set aside for now as I prepare for my exam on Sunday.

But a little glimpse into the whacky thought processes of Jonathan Park.

This is why I say the trials begin ;)

A good day

Today was a good day.

Why you may ask. Was it because I did something super-exciting (like jump out of an airplane)? Was it because I was able to settle some deep disturbing issue about myself? Was it because someone decided that they like me in return?

No. Today was a good day because it was so normal.

Today, I sat in a room in the corner of Vanier College from 10:00 til now (I will be leaving at 6:00) pretty much all day doing nothing but doing readings for an assignment due tomorrow, taking notes on said readings, and reorganizing bookshelves.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, "This kid's whacko. How's that a good day. That sounds terribly boring."

But in fact it was a nice break from the rushing around to class, listening to lecturer's talk for 2 and a half hours (no matter how interesting the subject matter is, it gets really tiring sometimes) and realizing that I didn't have time to work on my assignment because I was in class all day so having to go home and work on work at home.

Instead, I had 8 hours today to work on my readings and assignments with little interruption. 8 hours straight sitting in front of a computer reading and typing. It was great. In fact, it means that I can go home today, and probably have to do little else than whip up a rough draft of my paper and can go to bed at a decent time, get up nice and bright and early tomorrow, and do a devotion in the morning (something I haven't done in ages) go off to the library and do the same thing.

This made me realize how much I long to start working... or how much I wish that school were more like a 9-5 (I could even stand 9-7). I could just sit and work at whatever it is that I'm working at without having to worry about rushing off to here, travelling to there (I hate commuting... as much as I love the TTC), and get things done... and even have time to break a bit inbetween and surf around on blogs and facebook.

But what REALLY made today a good day was that suddenly, I realized I love what I do here. I love reading, taking notes, critically assessing ideas, and writing essays to demonstrate that I understand the concepts as well as throwing in some ideas of my own that are supported by the readings. I could do this all day, and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit bored.

I have regained my first love of school... and makes me revile at the thought of what I did on Monday (sitting in the Cyber cafe from 10:30 AM to about 1:30 AM). Three prime daytime working hours.... I would have been fired if I did that at a job... and though I can't fire myself from school... the thought that I even did that just makes me feel dirty inside. Why would I not do this? I love it! What possesses me to go waste time playing a game online during the prime hours of the day like a deadbeat. That is what made Monday such a bad day. But that's the topic of another blog post.

All of this brings me to the point that I really, REALLY, can't wait to be done my undergrad... and remotivates me to practice for my LSAT... because my marks this year will not be as good as they have been in years past. If I can ace the LSAT and score in the top 95 percentile, then I can be a definitive candidate for a position at a law school in Toronto (Osgoode or U of T)... I can continue ministry with Campus for Christ, and I can be studying law (reading case law... mmmmmmmm) full time. If I planned my time right, it wouldn't even FEEL like work. I'm sure there will be drudgeries that I'll have to deal with, they always exist... but it's something to look forward to it.

At any rate, I take pleasure in the fact that I have rediscovered my love of academics. I was beginning to hate school, and (I realize now) hating myself because I was starting to hate school like some stupid 날라리.... (er I don't know how to translate that word... deadbeat maybe?...... haha, just remembered that I don't know any Korean people that read this blog :P)

These things make today a good day.

Yet I suddenly realized that I should not be content with days like this, though I should praise the LORD when they do come along. If I become content with days like this, will I not become complacent in actively living out the life that Christ desires us to live? Though I can be a witness to those that are over me by being a diligent and hard worker, if I simply live for this kind of a thing, how can I make a difference in the lives of those around me. I must not be content with a day like this.

But it was still a good day.

Random dribble

It's 5:45 AM and before I started in on working on my assignment (I kid you not, I woke up because I had the worst cotton mouth ever and can't get back to sleep) I decided that I should post something here.

Something I've been thinking about recently is relationships and how one needs to approach them. Does one do backflips and jump through hoops to impress the girl (or guy) that one likes? Do you write fancy love poems, woo them with your amazing guitar playing skills (apparently this gets a lot of women's pleasure senses going ... no that's not why I'm teaching myself how to play guitar... *shifty eyes*), and do everything possible to make yourself look like the ideal man that she (or ideal woman that he) is looking for?

Although there is something to be said for putting your best face (foot, self, whatever) forward, I think that the emphasis should be on putting YOUR best face (foot, self, whatever) forward and that you shouldn't be pretending to be somebody that you're not. Think about it; if said female (male) falls for you because of said actions that do not actually represent you, once said female (male) finds out that this is not really who you are, where is the relationship going? Nowhere... quite fast.

What does this add up to? I'm not sure. I'm just trying to figure out what my "A" game is... because apparently the girl that I have fallen head over heels over also has many other admirers. Does this mean that I should do my best to surpass all the others by doing things that I don't usually do as a person? Perhaps.... but I also need to make sure that those things are really ME, and not someone else. I've resolved that if she likes me in return, it's going to be because she decides she really likes who I am - me, Jonathan Park. If she doesn't actually like me in quite that way... well I'll go sit in a corner, feel all emotional for a little bit, then I'll come out and be all right. I swear :P

The next two months are going to be an adventure. A HUGE adventure. It's going to be risky, it's going to be difficult, and at the end, it's going to be "one" of the hardest things that I'm ever going to have to do in my life. But I'm GOING to do it. And it's going to be painful >_>

And I'm back again

You know, during the course of my Lent Fast, I thought of all these great things to post about. Faith, love, salvation, emotions. They all linked to great stories, examples, and experiences.

I seem to have forgotten all of them.

So instead, I leave you with this.

Tampa Bay better sweep the New Jersey Devils 4-0.

That is all.