Current status: Sobered

In 37 hours I will be finished my third year of university.

I will not have done as well as I have in my first two. This unfortunately means that I will end up sitting in front of the computer, eyes twitching, and getting all mad and punching walls for a bit.

Then I will settle down... knowing full well the bad grades were nobody's fault but my own. Instead I will turn to kicking myself in the pants for getting sucked into peekvid and the Simpsons.

How do I know this? Because it is something that I went through last summer (Wynja knows about the eye twitch :P). But as I think on this, what I did NOT do last summer was to, in the end, give it up to the LORD and trust that he will provide. I'm trying to read 5 Psalms a day (yesterday, that was not easy... because it got around time to reading Psalm 119. Yes you should nod your head in understanding. If you don't understand, go to biblegateway.com and look up Pslam 119.... then tell me why I skipped it for now.) and the other day I read in Psalm 115:11 - "You who fear him, trust in the LORD. He is their help and shield." And then it continues.

The LORD remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless the House of Israel,
He will bless the House of Aaron,
He will bless those who fear the LORD-
small and great alike.
May the LORD make you increase,
both you and your children.
May you be blessed by the LORD,
the maker of heaven and earth.

Imagine that. The maker of heaven and earth blessing you. I can't even begin to fathom that - instead I get so hung up on the things that are right before me that seem so good. The pride and prestige of being accepted to a good law school. The pride of being able to say that I got straight As yet again. The desire to find a girlfriend.

But look closely at all those things... they are tainted (and not even on the surface... but down to the deep core of the matter) with selfish desire and motivation. Though I'm sure it's there, the main motivation for these desires is not to "Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness" (Matthew 6:33) but to chase after "all these other things" which are supposed to be added on AFTER seeking first His Kingdom and His righteousness.

In the Great Commission, the NIV translation fails to capture a key aspect in saying "Go and make disciples of all nations..." (Matthew 28:19). The original greek word for the Go is not actually "go" but "as you are going." As you are going, make disciples of all nations. As you are walking along the road to school, make disciples of all nations. As you are going to law school, make disciples of all nations. As you are becoming a lawyer, make disciples of all nations. As you are struggling through your academics, make disciples of all nations. As you are receiving rejection letters from law school, make disciples of all nations.

And yet... that final thought shakes me to my inner core for one reason or another. In my undergrad, I was accepted to every university I applied for, many offering me grand scholarships. Now I'm no longer so sure of what will happen as I move on to the next stage of my life. I have never been more sure of what I want to do, and yet no longer am I sure that I can do it.

But the key point to that last thought was not the first half of the sentences.... but the second half. I am to be making disciples of all nations, always, no matter what is going on around me. I have been disobedient these past two years and it's time for this to stop. It's time to step back up to the plate and start Great Commissioning and making a REAL impact in this world.

Lord, I'm so worried, concerned, anxious about tomorrow, next year, two years from now... when there's so much that needs worrying about today, here, now. Focus my mind on seeking YOUR kingdom and YOUR righteouness, and trusting in you and having faith in you that you will keep your promise in Matthew 6:33 that you will provide all these other things as well.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen.