And after almost exactly a year...

I'm back.

It's a funny story really. I was parsing through my "reservoir" email (you know, the email that you make for random subscriptions, registrations, and facebook? Oh you don't have it? You should look into it... it really saves space on your REAL email address) and I see that someone posted a comment on a blog post that I wrote about 2.5 years ago on post evangelical thought.

I still remember why I wrote that blog post. That's entirely besides the point.

Since then, I think that my thinking on these matters has suffered greatly - probably because I really just didn't think about it. Much of life has been taken up with thinking that I'm too busy to do anything important when really I just love sitting in front of a computer screen typing out blog posts and playing video games.

Recently I've just watched two seasons of the television show "The Big Bang Theory." It was rather enlightening as I see a little bit of myself in all the geeky characters in the show. And no I'm not a mathematical genius with an IQ three times the normal speed limit of a regular Canadian local road... but I have all the same interests and would like nothing better than to be able to play RPGs, strange card games, Warhammer, watch science fiction, and play video games all day long.

And do lawyer stuff. And that's a beautiful juxtaposition that when factored into the equation makes life so much more fun to rant about.

If I were to voice this opinion to anyone outside of my like minded group of friends (re science fiction, video games, using your imagination, etc) people would look at me sadly, smile, and nod with a glazed look in their eye. Some might even think in their minds, "What's wrong with this crazy man... put away the toys and get on with your life... pathetic."

I wonder at that sentiment. I really do. After all if I were to "move on" with my life in the sense of the word that most secular people mean, it means that I'll start going out to more parties, drinking more with people, having sex with women, craving expensive cars, and lusting after the 5 million dollar home in Rosedale (or something like that). Someone please tell me why that's any better than me enjoying my video games, my warhammer, and my science fiction?

If you've gotten this far in my posting... I applaud you. I really do. Either you really care about this subject, you think that I'm some sort of definitive expert (which I assure you I am not) or you are a recruiter for a law firm that somehow tracked down my blog. If you are the third, then I give all the kudos and praise to your respective law firm. And give you the greatest compliments for having found this blog. I really don't know how you did it and you'll have to tell me.

But to continue on my train of thought, one branch of my profession will require that I wear expensive suits, drive an expensive car, develop an expensive lifestyle, and grow up into the adult world of "He who dies with the most toys wins." It's tempting I must admit. After all, lots of lifes problems CAN be solved with money - anyone that tells you otherwise is delusional or downright stupid. Of course, anyone that tells you that money doesn't create problems of its own is ALSO delusional or stupid (and there is nothing to suggest that perhaps both adjectives do not apply in either case.) It's a dilemma that I wonder about. Do I want money and "success" according to the Gospel of the world, or do I seek after "success" according to the Gospel of the bleeding heart.

Or do I dig deep in myself and figure out a way to apply my deeply seated religious beliefs and morals into my profession.

That one is not so easily done. After all grand sweeping moral principles are all good and well to have, but when it comes time to apply these principles to real situations in life - suddenly they get a lot harder to fathom. There's this grey area variable to consider, and that looming factor hanging over your head (read student debt), and those people pressuring you to do one thing, and then those people pressuring you to do something else. And then there are the internal contradictions that rife human decision making processes because of the fact that there is never any perfect logical, emotional, or subconcious system of living life designed and interpreted by a human that can ever reconcile all the variables that have to be considered in life.

In the end, it all boils down to reaching the crossroads, and taking a step down whichever path you can fathom to be the right one for you. Of course, that doesn't make it the right one - or even the more post-modernist palatable "right one for you" - it just makes it the path that you chose at that point in time. And sometimes that decision will follow you to the end of your life showering blessings upon your head and lightening every next step that follows or dragging you to the depths of hell on earth until the day you die (OK extreme ends of the spectrum I admit, but you get the point). Sometimes that decision will ultimately be meaningless and you'll look back years later and think to yourself "Why in the world did I make such a big deal out of that decision?"

Of course... the question is how do you tell which crossroads are the former and which are the latter?

More often then not, I've gone down a path that really just wasn't the right one to take. Then I look back at it and realize that it was just a small diversion that had consequences with life lessons learned, but was no big deal in the end.

What significance do these thoughts have for how I'll face crossroads in the future? I really have no idea. After all, those decisions are in the future. But there is one thing I know. As much as I screw up, and as much as more often than not I make decisions that I ultimately regret, I have faith that there's a God up there who looks down, grieves when I make the mistakes, rejoices when I realize the mistake that I made, and do what I can to try to make the right choices in the future.

Because whatever people's conceptions of Church, Christianity, and organized religion are re: judgmentalism, bigotism, blah blah blah - none of that is what God is really about. I go so far as to say that most people are right about the negative images they have of the Church because people are delusional or/and stupid (Hmm... that's a nice theme. Also recall that I include myself within the subset of people and therefore acknowledge that I too am delusional and stupid much more often than I would like). I clearly don't go around telling everyone about everything that I've done in my life because of course I do not enjoy that judgment as much as the next person. But nevertheless, the mistake has been made, the mistake has been taken care of and look forward to the next crossroad in my attempt to make the right choice the next time.

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That was a mouthful and that was fun. I might have to get back into doing this again.